In this post I will integrate some reflections on attachment and emotional dependency that the Indian psychotherapist and writer Anthony de Mello explained in his seminars and wrote about throughout his works. I have also added an outline of the systematic view of the German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger by organising and structuring it with my own personal touch. I have also added an action plan to include some simple guidelines that will allow you to detect and free yourself, once and for all, from all of your attachments.
Anthony, like many other authors of personal development, states that nothing external to us has the power to upset us, nothing that does or says A or B to us can make us suffer without our permission. It is our programming, ideas, inner beliefs and mind that decides to give it the power. In short, it is our thoughts that generate our discomfort . We are well and happy by nature. Everything that happens to us is fine, reality is neutral and should not make us suffer. However, automatically - with the interpretation of our perception, according to our conscious and unconscious programming, we are the ones who choose the colour with which we paint our reality. How liberating! - or is it a nightmare? The truth is that we often choose black by default, without realising it. We are diamonds that look like stones and in general, we do nothing to change it.
Our experience in this life is approximately 10% what happens to us and 90% what we do with it. And whilst we cannot control the 10%, the 90%, which is the major part, depends on us and is our responsibility. This is where we can prioritise our centre point and focus on internal and external factors. This idea is reflected in Victor Frankl’s book “Man’s search for Meaning” where this Austrian author and psychiatrist relates his experiences of his time at Auschwitz concentration camp during the second world war. One of his reflections is the human capacity to transcend difficulties and decide “freely” how to act according to what orientates us and gives meaning to our lives.
True happiness is uncaused and unconditional. Although you might have a strong perception that you must have something or someone in your life to obtain true happiness - be it a partner, money, work, success, a family of your own, to be liked - the list is endless, consider, young children, who are happy simply to be playing. It is time to realise that you have been programmed by society, the media, social networks, conditioned to believe that without these trappings you will never be happy. These external factors have the power to chain you to these limiting beliefs and thoughts and you will never be free, as you will most likely suffer from fear, stress and anxiety trying to achieve it and then when you have it, fighting to keep hold of it.
In other words, one of the major causes of suffering is attachment. Attachment, the dependence on or identification with a person, job, status or emotion. A belief that without them I can not feel happy. Although we have been trained to be emotionally dependent, true love is free of dependencies and attachments. We have also been culturally programmed to get angry or upset with people when they don’t act the way we want them to or when things don’t happen according to our wishes. Note this unconscious belief that if we become upset or angry, the other person, or the situation will change. Take this example: someone upsets us, we react by blaming them, we get upset, then angry, our blood pressure rises, our cortisol shoots up, meanwhile our energy is reducing, as is our perception and we lose inner peace. There are so many times that we act in this way, without doing anything to really change it. Does this seem logical or reasonable to you? Remember that nothing or nobody in this world has the power to make you angry or upset. It’s all done to you through your mind, your programming. Don’t blame yourself, now that you understand what’s going on, be aware of it from now on, understand it and change it.
Being mature is not blaming anyone for your problems. Instead, become aware, observe what is there and without blame, take action and solve it. By doing this you will be free and you will have more energy available because you will not have wasted it emotionally, by fighting external factors. Unfortunately, the majority of the population still acts immaturely.
It is not that now we have to isolate ourselves, stop having desires, or live like a vegetable or simply do nothing. It is that we do our best to achieve our goals without getting attached, i.e. if it happens, fine, but if it doesn't happen, we will be happy just the same. We don't react to it, we stay neutral, our inner state doesn't depend on it and we don't identify with it. We can let go of the goals and let them go. The most important thing is to prioritise ourselves, and to realise that we ourselves are more important than this goal or desire. This mindset allows us to maintain our confidence and security, as we are not at the mercy of anything or anyone. If we do not achieve a goal, or things do not go our way, it is another opportunity to improve, to better ourselves, to continue to grow, and to become more aware. True power is not opposing anything. True happiness is not being euphoric all the time, or that everything goes wonderfully well and goes according to our wishes. True happiness is that even if life hurts or makes me happy, to agree, to accept what you can't change and say yes to it.
We do not see the world as it is, but as we really are because of the Law of the Mirror. We want to change others, to change the world, when in reality we are here to understand, accept and act from the yes to what is, the yes to what happens and to align ourselves with life itself, even though it is often very complicated. To understand that we are not alone, that many desires and situations that happen to us do not only depend on us, our destiny is not individual but collective. Our desired future is always at the expense of the emerging future, and that everything is affected by the collective consciousness and by the systemic consciousness, i.e. by everything that our ancestors lived through, as epigenetics demonstrates.
"First I had depression, now I still have the same depression, but the difference is that now I don't care about it".
Zen proverb
TAKE ACTION. PRACTICE DETACHMENT.
- Make a list of all the external factors that are currently causing you discomfort in your team, your job or your life.
- Question them one by one. Is it true? Is it the external factor or is it my thoughts about it that make me feel bad? Am I acting mature? Could I feel good without it? Are there people who don't have it either and are happy? Could I treat myself/talk to myself well without it, without that person, without those thoughts, etc?
- If there are still elements that you think you need, that you still depend on, think about what transformation you need. What do you need to model, to change, who should you become in order to live without them? What is in your hand and what actions can you take? How can I accept this situation? Am I prioritising myself?
- If you still find something, directly experience letting go of those thoughts, focusing your attention on your breathing and the focus on feeling inner emotional wellbeing. If you feel better now, congratulations and if not, congratulations too. Congratulations on taking responsibility and taking action.
Please tell me about your experience. Share your impressions, if there is anything you think you are still attached to as well as your learnings and transformations you have made from this post. Please share if you found it interesting, so the content can reach more people and more people will stop suffering. Thank you very much.
